we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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