wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
