I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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