he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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