Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
