I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize