i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize