what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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