the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
