I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
