At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
