I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
