brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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