How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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