Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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