my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
