saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
