Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
