I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
