theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize