filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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