So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The air was thick with penises
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
