She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
