I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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