the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dignity is for republicans.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
