Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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