6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize