Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
