I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
