My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
