toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was confusing and full of hummus
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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