i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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