Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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