If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
