Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
