Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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