sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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