Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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