he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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