you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
