I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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