Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
