i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
