garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
