We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
