I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
