I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
