just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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