I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
