What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
NoShamevember. You game?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
