i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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