Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize