I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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