Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
FUCK WHALES
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
