OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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